Dude...you are OOOOLD

Happy Happy birthday, best Grandy-pa in the world!

So…I’m sitting here in China, celebrating my grandy-pa’s birthday all by my lonesome. How does one celebrate an old-dude’s birthday?

Well…First, I looked through all the photos I have of our family on my computer. Then I creeped on facebook for more. Then I got all sad. Then I imagined everyone eating cake and ice cream and being together, and I was happy again. Even though I am not there, I know that my whole family is together, and they are celebrating the main man- Grandy.

To Grandy,

You’ve always been a constant in my life that I can absolutely, without a doubt, count on. Some kids know their grandparents are distant figures in their lives. They know them only as people who appear at special occasions and give strange out-dated gifts on birthdays. I’m one of those rare kids who is lucky enough to have a grandfather who has made an effort to get to know me.

I don’t think you know how important of a person you are in my life, and in the lives of everyone else in our family. Even though it seems I get to see you less and less as time passes (can we change this?), you are always on my mind. I’m not even exaggerating- I think about you, and wonder how you are doing, have you gone to Wal-mart yet, or are you waiting until later? How’s Buster holding up, and the like. You are in my prayers before I go to sleep, and part of the reason I can smile so easily each day.

I’ve never felt an unconditional love that can rival yours. Sure, my parents love me unconditionally, but they are also the ones whom punishments fall upon. But between a grandparent and a grandchild, there is a special, unbreakable bond. I know that when you call, no matter what I’ll be laughing at the end of the conversation, and all my worries will be put on pause for a bit. I am so lucky to have someone like you, who can see me for all my faults and mess ups, but look through those and focus on the strengths. It’s a love I can always count on, and a love I’ll never know anywhere else. You’ve made me a better person, you’ve made me stronger, and you’ve shown me that I can do practically anything I set my mind to. You are the invisible strength that gets me through hard times, and one of the first people I think about when something wonderful happens.

While it breaks my heart that I am not there in person for your birthday, I’m gonna love you twice as hard today so maybe you can feel it given the distance that separates us. And if you haven’t dug into the cake yet- eat an extra slice for me (and if you have, well…eat another one anyway).

I love you Grandy. Obviously you know that, but sometimes I wish you knew just how much. Unfortunately, when we most need them, words tend to fall short of their ability to express what we really want to say.

LOVE YOU!

Turtle butts and the K.G.B.- known to others as “Nanjing”

(yes, that title will eventually make sense)

Lalala, 4 hour bus rides are so wonderful, lalala

HI NANJING!!!

Sometimes, you gotta love my USAC director. We get off the bus, and I ask her “So what should I expect with the weather here?” Her response: “Oh, well Nanjing is known as one of the four furnaces of China.”

Great.

The not-so-purple PURPLE MOUNTAIN

Our first stop of the day was the “Purple Mountain” area. We gleefully hop off the bus and everyone has a mini-spaz session after 4 hours of being cooped up on a bus. This ranged from some kid running around in circles, two people flipping out to Dub-step music, and one girl who walked off into the distance and sprawled out on the ground.

After about ten minutes, we gathered our wits, recalled that we were “civilized” human beings, and began our march into the deathly heat.

Here’s something I’ve noticed regarding China and its historical sites. This country really loves their insanely long, paved with uneven rocks, no shade, death walks from hell that you have to take every time you want to get to some site. Seriously. Tian’an Men Square: giant shadeless square. The Forbidden City: Massive long walkway until you get inside, then it is walkway after walkway until you reach the end. Heavenly Palace? Yup. Tiger Hill: yup. Random place inside Purple Mountain? Hellz yup. I don’t even know what it was that we were walking to see, and for the life of me, I cannot find it, even with the assistance of the all-powerful Wikipedia. Shucks. Welp, it was something that looked like this:

-----Giant passageway and huge wall (a.k.a. Ming Xiaoling Mausoleum)-----

-----Take care of the lawn and enjoy the charm of Nature-----

-----Why yes, that is a turtle butt sticking out of a wall...-----

After visiting this place (which ever-so shockingly reminded me of ALL the other historical buildings in China), we re-walked the walk-of-death in the beating sun, cried that we had no water, and began the forever-long walk down the semi-shaded, mostly-not shaded path of the Ming Dynasty famous tombs or something like that.

Oh-right. I am quite aware that at this moment I sound like I couldn’t care less about Nanjing. This is a false impression. I enjoyed it. It was great. I just spent the whole time drenched in sweat and questioning if that kiosk in the distance was a mirage or a for-realz place where I could consume liquids. I’m all for culture expeditions. Don’t get me wrong. It’s just that it’s summer. It is summer and I am visiting one of the four furnaces of China. It is summer, visiting a furnace, and I forgot a water bottle. It is summer, I’m in a furnace without water, and as far as I can see, a semi-paved path lies before me, with no happy greeting at the end because I cannot actually see the end.

With that said- I shall continue. Along this pathway, there are random statues. The statues flank each side of the maybe-there-was-once-a-pathway-here path, and alternate between standing and sitting. I chilled with the horses for awhile, before going to hang out with the camels. Then I met the dog-lion-dragon creature and decided he was going to be my buddy for the next few minutes while I leaned against his flowing stone mane and surveyed my surroundings. In the distance I could see one of the boys of our group defiling a statue through odd gestures involving his pelvis. Further on I could see the rest of the group stumbling forward, as though they were slaves to the heat. I blinked, whipped the sweat from my eyes and trudged on.

-----SURPRISE! Another forever long passage way. At least this one is super pretty and shaded.-----

-----Why yes, they are weed-whacking the ENTIRE hillside...exhibit A of China's labor policy-----

About an hour into walking, our leader (FeiFei, my Chinese teacher whom I adore) informs us that we have reached the end, and a trolley will be picking us up. We all cheer with joy. Salvation at last! Water! Bathrooms! FREEDOM!

…but no.

Fifteen minutes into us waiting, we are all now sprawled out on the ground, picking at the stones like small children. Half of us are crying, the other half is whining incessantly. I picked myself up and crawled over to a dead bush, hoping that if I cowered beneath it I might be able to shield at least every other centimeter or so of my back from the sun. Silly me.

Feifei gets a phone call. It goes like this “Wei? Mm, mm. Dui. Women shi zher. Mm. SHI MA?! NOOOOOOO. Mm. mm. hao,hao, baibai.”

…I await the verdict.

Turns out we walked exactly the wrong direction for thirty minutes. Cool game, China, you got me again.

Dr. Sun Yat-Sen's Memorial

After our glorious thirty-minute trudge back, we arrive at the trolleys that transport us to Dr. Sun Yat-Sen’s  tomb site. I reload on water, murder any inkling of dehydration and take stock of the situation.

If you lived inside my head (and could hear my thoughts), this is how the next hour went: Yeah. Bring it on China. I’ve got this. I’m gonna get cultured whether you like it or not. Creator of New China, here I come! ...seriously. ANOTHER FOREVER LONG PATHWAY? Okay. That won’t get me down. No way, No way. I’m gonna do this. Slight incline of the pathway? No biggie. I know I can do this…I can do this…I think I can do this…I…When.Does.It.End. After the long pathway from hell, I was greeted by about twenty stairs. I had arrived. I MADE IT. HAHAHAHA, No one can defeat me! 

----impostor.-----

Take that, China Sun. I win. La,la,la, just gonna walk around this “mausoleum” now…la,la…

WHAT. What. Is. That.

-----The real trek up to the mausoleum-----

Oh…okay. Dear Legs of Mine, I’m sorry ahead of time. Here we go again. As I was walking up the stairs, I decided to curse the architect of Dr. Sun Yat-sen’s memorial. He had to know that people would think they had arrived when they reached the end of the death-pathway (please note: when I make mentions to death-pathways, that is seriously how you feel on them. And when I say “long” I mean, three or four football fields at a minimum. No shade. Dark stone. You do the math.) they would think that this was it. But no, you positioned the pathway perfectly so that no one could see the seemingly insurmountable stairs that await. Had I known this, I would have gone pee first. This is gonna take awhile. 

-----half way up!-----

-----getting closer!-----

Finally, my body reached the top. It took my brain a little while longer to register because it had gone into “survival mode” which is what I tend to do when I see annoyingly long or cumbersome tasks before me. Once my brain clicked back on, I looked around.

-----VICTORY.-----

Holy goodness me. The view was stunning. Off in the far right corner, you could see the distant city of Nanjing (obviously not so distant if it could be made out through the China-smog). In front of the memorial were the Purple Mountains (really big hills) jutting out to meet the sky. It was beautiful. 

After walking back down the 400-or so stairs, I enjoyed another one of those Bahahaha-I’m-so-glad-I’m-here moments when I saw this:

-----Note the confused cat and the peak-a-boo nipple. Classy.-----


Oh. I also found this:

-----"KGB biscuit"....Do they know?.....-----

The Nanjing Wall 

The Nanjing Massacre Memorial Hall

-----The devils have sent the bombers again….

The poor orphans,

Frightened by the vicious laugh of the brutal devils.

Terrified by the corpses piling up in the alley

Have lapsed into numbness…-----

-----a fraction of the records from the massacre.-----

The memorial was painful, and the interior of the museum was, to say the least, difficult to get through. Not only did they display the typical artifacts from the time, but there were quotes and images and an entire section reserved to commemorate the atrocities and horrific acts that were done to women of all ages.

I am angry with how our society seems to almost ignore rape (and don’t try to tell me otherwise), and makes it nearly impossible for young girls to feel comfortable expressing the violent acts that have happened to them. Seeing the residual effects in photographs right before me in this museum physically hurt. It is sad to know the only thing that has changed regarding some men’s treatment of females, small girls and women alike, is time.

Pick pocketed on Yancheng

Yup.

I'm walking along after buying my dinner from a street vendor when I feel like something is wrong. I immediately check my bag (which is a satchel that goes along my side) and notice that the zipper is unzipped. Upon looking inside I realize my wallet is gone as well.

The annoying thing? I know exactly who did it. I pursued him, yelled in Chinese "you took my wallet", but he ducked into an alley.

This is about the time where Taylor's sensible side kicked in. Without myself fully noticing, I had taken stock of the situation and realized about twenty things at once, the important ones being:

1. I don't know what is in that alley. He obviously trusted it enough to go into it, thus I should NOT put faith into it.

2. I don't have the vocabulary/enough knowledge to hold a confrontation with someone. Had he decided to flatly deny it, what could I do? Absolutely nothing.

3. Do I really want to deal with the police in China?

3. I'm not dumb enough to keep anything valuable in my wallet.


So, angrily I turned around, came home, and set in motion getting a new student I.D. I'm grumpy about the whole thing, mad at myself, but also partially relieved.

I know exactly why I was pick pocketed. I was a foreign female, wandering around alone with a side-bag. Not only that, but I had JUST bought my dinner, so the man was able to see exactly what my wallet looked like, and exactly where I put it. Additionally, due to just purchasing food, my hands were full and my attention was clearly not on my bag. I never heard it unzip, I didn't feel him take it. I just remember a little click in my head saying "that man's movement out of the corner of your eye is out of the ordinary. Check yourself." and then I felt my mouth go numb and my brain went into "Oh dear something important is happening" mode.

Short story longer, I'm mad that I appear to be an easy target, but glad that I'm not dumb enough to fulfill easy-target status, a.k.a. keep important things on me or in my wallet. I did lose about 100 yuan, and a newly loaded metro card, but at least I am not in a foreign country with a canceled debit and credit card and no form of I.D.

Yay for planning?

On a happier note, my family should all be rousing from bed in an hour or so and preparing to start the birthday festivities of my awesome Grandy-pa!

I do believe that I am holding off until his actual birthday for a formal blog post were I will spazz-out because he is SO OLD and yet also immortal.

Until then- I love you all. Be glad I didn't pull an Alice in Wonderland and duck into a rabbit hole (dark alley) after a white rabbit (shiny red wallet).

Dear Blogspot- STOP IT

I don't know why, but this WHOLE week, each time I try to make a post, I can only write in HTML format. This means I cannot upload pictures, nor can I do anything but write words.

Thus...I'M SUPER GRUMPY.

This is for several reasons, mainly that all the people I love are gathered together, without me, or they are scattered about this world, but still without me. How 'bout this: Everyone I love is NOT HERE and it is bumming me out.

So make Grandy's B-day super freakin' spectacular, okay?

I was going to post stuff from Nanjing, and all that jazz...but seeing that blogger wants to make my life sad (although it is failing) I cannot complete this.

GRRRRR. That is all. OOOOH. One more thing:

I CAN SEE THE STARS!!!! This is a first since I've been here and it is spectacular. Not so spectacular that I realized this while crossing Gonghexin Road, and stopped to stair in the middle of the street...when will I learn? NEVER TAKE THAT WORLD.

But it was pretty freakin' awesome.

Okay, Love you all, and one of these days blogger will stop wrecking havoc on my life and I'll show you pretty things!

Fish-heads, Contract Law, and Chinglish

I do believe I have yet to inform you all of my internship. So…here we go:

I wake up around 5:30am, somehow apply make-up, get clothes on, and eat breakfast in a comatose-state. I make my way to the subway where I pile into a car along with all the other morning-commuters.

I’d like to stop and take note as to how compact Asian people are and can be. It is like they have collapsible ribcages. I am smooshed in the middle of the car, with no room to move AT ALL, like, I don’t even need anything to hold onto when the subway car starts and stops because all the other people around me absorb the sudden jolts. Then, the car doors open, and MORE PEOPLE GET IN. I feel a slight increase in pressure, and I question the amount of available oxygen surrounding me. I close my eyes and pray to all goodness that there are not more people wanting to get on at the next stop. My prayers have yet to be answered.

After performing moves a contortionist would be proud of, I exit the subway car and make my way to the bus stop. I then wait for the bus to arrive, hop on and enjoy a ride full of honking, sudden stops, random yelling and questionable driving maneuvers. After I see my life flash before my eyes several hundred times, I finally arrive at my destination. The time is now 9am.

I follow the green brick road until it leads me into work (you have to walk on the green path, no matter where you go. It hugs the buildings and makes you take about five minutes to clear a distance of 100 feet due to all the zigzagging, but it was recently created because some machinery decided to run over a worker…woopsies) and head up the stairs to turn on my computer.

So that is how my day starts, and it ends the same way but in reverse order. Now then, for what happens at work:

Dear everyone, I am not a contract lawyer. I do not know how to ensure a company’s rights are properly protected. I am not a real person yet. I do not have a degree which proclaims that I successfully attended classes for four years, thus translating into my only credible skill- that I can attend work regularly as well. Yet, everyone at my internship seems to believe that because English is my native language, I know everything.

So you can grasp what I do each day I am there, let me briefly mention how my first day at work went: Oh hi! Yup, I know English. Yup, I can tell that you don’t. I guess I can help teach your IS Department English as well. Oh…you want me to read over this 30 page contract? Well…okay. You want me to ensure your intellectual property rights are protected? …sure…because you don't need a professional to do that or anything...you want me to meet with Microsoft’s lawyers? Eh…what. Oh dear…oh deary me.

And that was all before lunch.

Ah, yes- Lunchtime. So, I follow the green-brick road to the cafeteria, where I put my badge over this little scanner, it beeps meaning “you have successfully earned a lunch today.” I then watch as a lunch lady takes a metal tray from a stack, and smacks 5 different blobs of “food”, one fish head, and some rice onto it, and hands it back to me. I steal a banana and a tea and sit down. Little to be said, I eat about 2 of the 5 blobs, none of the meats, and a little of the rice.

Periodically, when I look up I have the pleasure of noticing practically everyone else's eyes staring at me. Yes, white girl eat food. I keep my banana for the bus ride back when I will inevitably feel like passing out due to hunger.

Back to my work area, where the day proceeds in an equally spastic manner as before lunch, where everyone assumes I can do just about anything as long as English is involved.

. . .

So…that’s my internship. A whole lot of English teaching, and a heck of a lot of editing formal documents, and between 4 and 5 hours of commuting each day. Yup.

Suzhou "For the sake of life!"

Whoa dang. I thought South Carolina was muggy until I met Shanghai. Well…I have now realized that China still holds gloriously obnoxious weather surprises for me to discover. Suzhou wins the “Can I Actually Breathe Here?” Game, hands down.

Apart from questioning death every step of the way, my trip was entertaining to say the least. I’m kind of bummed that I experienced the most awesome place China has (in my opinion) within the first week of my trip. You all remember the water village with the beautiful photos of absolute awesomeness? Yeah…I miss that place. No other location has lived up to it. BUT- Suzhou is nice for its own nonsense, which I will now blab on and on about:

The day began with me stumbling out of bed (I feel like most days start this way…)- oh! PAUSE. I have to tell you all about this CRAZY dream I had…first of all, NEVER NAP IN CHINA. I swear- each time I awake thinking, OH HELL NO IM NEVER DOING THAT AGAIN…then, the next day I’m all like “eh…maybe it won’t happen again?”… Each time I have taken a nap during the day, I’ve dreamed of horrific things happening or being done to my teeth. I looked it up on some “Let Me Tell You All About What Your Psychotic Dreams Mean” website and dreams about teeth apparently mean that I am self- conscious about my appearance…eh? I’M IN CHINA. The last thing I’m thinking about is how I look. Goodness. BUT- apparently I am freakishly self-conscious given the dream I am about to retell: So…I am wandering around in the world of Alice in Wonderland meets post-apocalyptic construction site, trying to find books. Even when the world ends, I have priorities okay? I meet up with Dream Family (not Dream as in, ohhhh you are the bestest ever- dream as in…are you for real or are you going to morph into a gopher?) and they shove this contraption into my mouth. Awesome. Apparently I need my jaw stretched and this thing makes it so my mouth opens super wide, and I have no hopes of shutting it. Yay life. When they take the contraption out, my teeth begin trying to rearrange themselves- yet they do this by cracking, shattering, and popping out of my mouth. I am doubled over in dream-pain (a.k.a. lots of pressure and weird feelings), as little shards of teeth sprinkle down to the ground. Best part of the day-mare? I look up to see the crazy rabbit from Alice in Wonderland pointing and chuckling at me. Also, all the houses in the background keep sinking into the earth and resurfacing…Sometimes I wonder what drugs would be like if this is what my brain comes up with on a normal day…

Okay…Suzhou time!

First of all, how to pronounce Suzhou à “Sue- joe”. Tada!

Bumpy bumpy bus ride…oh look! An ungodly massive water tower. Who said China was running out of water? Lies.

-----Giant water tower. Do you see all those stairs?-----

The Humble Administrator’s Garden

Get this: I looked up this place in Wikipedia so that maybe I’d have some facts to tell you all…the first line states “it is the largest garden in Suzhou and generally considered the finest garden in southern China.” ...Quite humble if you ask me. So basically, the history of this garden is that it belonged to, you guessed it, an administrator in China. He was all like “I’m gonna retire now, and all I want is to chill in my massive garden.” So, that’s what he did. Eventually he keeled over and his son took control of the place, but acting how most rich, spoiled kids act today, he lost the garden due to gambling debts.

Jerk.

Eventually it got back into the hands of the Chinese government, and they turned it into a tourist spot (to squeeze all the money out of it that they could). So, let me tell you about my adventure through the humble wilderness…

First, an Asian child spots Romelle (a large black man)…Romelle and small Asian child have a stare-off, where the child simply stands and points with a facial expression a mix of sheer “WHAT IS THAT?!” and horror, while Romelle sits there and laughs. After the mother fears for her child’s life and whisks him away, we continue onward into the labyrinth over teeny-tiny bridges and around ponds, up through rocky passageways and down into the dark depths of- well…reverse rocky passageways?

-----Romelle dueling a small child.-----

As we are wandering, I see off in the distance a vague blue shape upon a high rock. I decide to investigate. Turns out some kid decided that the ideal study place is perched on top of a massive rock in the middle of a bustling tourist destination. But of course. This makes perfect sense.

-----Studying Asian.-----

There were so many people everywhere that it was near to impossible to get a picture without a person in it, so eventually I gave up and started taking pictures of the people and having my own picture taken. Generally I fight my way through the crowds to get a solid picture, but I guess I’ve grown more accepting and “Chinese” and now just sort of go with the flow and not question things. DEPRESSING. Honestly, this was the day after my fight home from work, and I was exhausted…CHINA WILL NOT WIN. Fear not, my mentality is as stubborn as always (some of you may sigh or say “well…shucks”, but shut up and deal. I’m an Odom, after all).

-----Me with others in the group-----

-----Me and a building. Wow.-----

Oh yeah, I also saw this river thing:

-----River.-----

Eventually we resurfaced from the humid-death-trap, and piled back onto the bus to wander on over (after making a detour for lunch) to a silk-making factory.

Suzhou Silk Factory

So…I learned how silk is made. Yup. It is actually kind of crazy how much work goes into it. I completely understand why silk is super expensive now- daaang that stuff takes forever to make. Short summary?

1. Find worm. Make worm eat mulberry bush.

2. Make worm want to not be worm anymore.

3. Worm makes cocoon because it is sad with life.

4. Boil cocoons. Worm subsequently dies due to evil human intervention.

5. weed out bad cocoons. Steam good cocoons.

6. Start to unravel super tiny silk thread from one cocoon, combine with five others. Insert into machine.

7. Machine twists the 6 silk threads together to get one “for-real” thread. Near to impossible to break- I tried.

8. I sort of got side-tracked by something shiny in the corner during this phase of the explanation…

-----Pulling silk thread.-----

Then he went on to show us how you make the stuffing to pillows or comforters:

1. Wet cocoon. Pull out sad, dead worm. Stretch cocoon to create “single-ply” cloth-thing.

2. Wet single-ply cloth-thing. Stretch single ply on arch-thingy. Do steps 1-2 6 times.

3. Take this 6-ply arch-thingy, and stretch over larger arch-thingy. Do this 6 times.

4. Take this, and stretch out once, to be the size of a comforter. Do this 400 times.

5. You now have a silk comforter’s inside-ness.

Yup…also apparently they put the silk worm’s poop inside the pillow because they think it is good aromatherapy. Surprise!

Upon leaving, I was admiring the silk clothing on the mannequins when I was accosted by this one:

-----Mannequin from hell.-----

Tiger Hill

So, Wikipedia claims that Tiger Hill got its name because it looks like a crouching tiger. What. Whoever wrote this article has apparently never seen the GIANT TOWER on the hill…so much for “crouching”…

In actuality, or, mythology, or ancient story-time, or whatever there’s a dude, Wu King Helu, buried on the hill, and apparently three days after his burial a white tiger showed up out of nowhere and decided to chill on the guy’s grave for awhile.

Okay, Wikipedia needs an overhaul on this one. It also goes off on a tangent to claim that some great Jin master “traded his calligraphy for lovable geese”…what this has to do with Tiger Hill, or dead buried guy, I have no idea. All I do know is that they cannot uncover the dead-dude’s tomb because the critical rock to open the tomb is also the rock holding up the giant tower- a tower that has been standing for over 1,000 years and is also known as the “second leaning tower” in the world (probably also the only other leaning tower…everyone else fixed theirs.)

So, basically, we have a lot of rocks. One famous rock called the “Sword-Testing Rock”…you test swords there. Another giant rock called “Thousand People’s Rock”…you put people there. There is also this pond, dubbed Sword Pond because it is claimed that 3000 swords are buried under the pond, but this legend cannot, once again, become known because of that darned leaning Pagoda being so finicky with its foundation. Honestly, I think we can blame all of this on the architect who decided to stick the pagoda on all of this cool and mysterious nonsense. For the second time in this post- Jerk.

-----Leaning pagoda-----

But this place did have some awesome signs…Get ready for this!

-----Please Don't Climb Trees and Pick flowers for the sake of life-----

-----Loving care cultural relic Please do not climb up-----

-----Fire off in scenic spots!-----

-----You care for the lawn is appreciated.-----

-----Protection cultural relic Surmounts the danger-----

-----Boundless Clouds-----

-----Only in the Sun of Civilization Can Trees Maintain Evergreen-----

After all that philosophizing, I think I'm going to go to sleep...

Hallucinations on the Subway

I knew I was ill when I woke up at 5am shivering under the covers. The air around me read almost 80 degrees Fahrenheit, and my entire body ached. One problem- I had to get to my internship.

Thus, the next hour and a half was spent stumbling around my apartment grumbling angrily at inanimate objects, showering in scalding hot water which turned my entire body red. I knew I was irrationally cold, I mean…my forehead was burning up and I kept shaking, all I wanted was heat.

I don’t quite recall how I made it to the subway, then the bus, then to work. I do recollect hovering over my computer with a box of tissues and simply waiting out the work day…

My memory reappears while I am on the bus heading home from work. I remember suddenly becoming incredibly hot and feeling as though the sun was beating down on my back even though the air conditioning was blowing strong. I shed the sweater I had been wearing all day, and suddenly was overcome with the intense need to drink all of the water in the world. Unfortunately, I had absolutely no water around me- nor would I have the opportunity to purchase water for the next two hours.

Looking back on this moment in the epic adventure home I realize how amazing the human mind can be. It controls everything- absolutely everything we think and do. It holds within its walls our incredible ability to cope with uncomfortable situations. Honestly- when the situation arises, we learn to adapt in a split second if our surroundings show no other option. This is what I think happened to me around this time, because the next thing I recall is that I am on the subway clutching a poll for dear life and listening to Haydn’s Surprise Symphony No. 94 in G. You might want to play this while you read through the remainder of this post.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0gF-Wzp8Ni8

This is when my recollection of events takes a turn for the twisted…

So…my subway ride home is about 30 minutes, but I “regained consciousness” just as the voice overhead bellowed “…dao Yancheng…” which meant in my delirious head that the next stop was my savior. I suddenly become aware that my body is shaking and my head feels like it is going to explode. I looked around the subway and tried to focus on people’s faces but they were continuously rotating. Yes, the faces were rotating- the head and body did not move, but the faces were vibrating back and forth, and some looked like they were being pushed back into the subject’s head, as though their faces were imploding.

I exit the subway, head upstairs and out into the humid night air. I now have about a ten minute walk home. All I remember are two things, and keep this in mind: my surroundings consist of a shouting crowd of homogenous faces that I am trying to avoid looking at for obvious hallucinogenic reasons, steaming carts and street vendors that require skilled dodging, a dark sky overhead, and uneven pavement that I swear has a mind of its own:

1. As I was crossing the street there was a group of old ladies doing old-lady-dancing. The only weird thing is that they were moving EXACTLY to the beat of Haydn’s symphony. I stopped and let the crowd of people crossing flow around, or into, me. My mouth dropped open and my eyes locked onto this seemingly magical charade before me. I’m thinking “how did they know to choreograph a dance to this song? How did they know I’d be here, right now, to watch it? This. Is. Magic.” I actually stopped for so long that I did not notice the light above me change to green and cars began honking angrily for me to get out of the way.

2. I literally ran smack into the fattest Asian man I have yet to see. The only problem was that I thought I had just been hit by a car so I let out a scream and yelled “STOP MOVING!” (yes, in English). After suffering whiplash from the bounce-back and the woefully uncomfortable feeling of having my shaking self body-checked, I realized that nay- it was not a car but a man. Not only that, but this incredibly large man had the utter most petrified face I have yet to witness. He just stood there, arms stretched out and staring at me as thought he thought I was a broken rag doll. Granted, I’m sure my own face looked like I was on all kinds of drugs. My only solution at that moment was to maneuver around the massive boulder, stay silent and keep walking.

Somehow I ended up in my room. I only know this because I awoke at 7am, still in my work clothes, shoes on, bag wrapped around my shoulder. I was laying face down on the bed. I literally did not move for 11 hours. I got up to wash my face, etc. and laughed out loud at the sight in the mirror. Not only had my mascara created intricate designs of wonder around my eyes, but I had sheet impressions all over my face as though I was a wrinkly old woman.

…with that said, I assume my fever broke in the middle of the night, because I did awake drenched in sweat. After a shower, I did a self check. My body is still aching and I have a cough that sounds like I am possessed and communing with the devil. Other than that, I also have a nose that has high aspirations to become a faucet and a brain that wants a larger skull.

But what can ya do?

So, fear not readers who actually care/worry about me! I obviously can take care of myself in this big bad city…even when faced with fantastical dancers, morphing faces and the rare assault by Car-Man, all while maintaining a fever at hallucination-level, I can still make it home to my bed.

Take that China. I win again.

Beijing Part One

Oh, hi Beijing…

Forgive my lack-luster depiction of Beijing…

Here’s the deal. I’m used to Shanghai by now. I’ve got the great public transportation memorized (great for China…keep that part in mind), I’m happy with my cheap cab rides after 11pm, I’m good with the ease of finding places to eat or whatever the heck I need at any hour of the day. With that said…

Beijing kinda attacked me in a weird, surprising sort of way.

My first evening in Beijing was a strange adjustment period. Did you all know that the city of Beijing is the size of Switzerland? It. Is. Massive. If Godzilla ever decided to come chill in Shanghai and squash all of the super tall buildings- that is how Beijing feels- low buildings and incredibly spread out. Like Wal-Mart spread out. Or like…Yao Ming is to Shanghai as a sumo wrestler is to Beijing…okay. Enough analogies- the place is huge.

Although Beijing is the capital of China and claims to be the cultural center of the country, it is not my city. I thought it would be since I did not really like Shanghai’s massive city-feel, but Beijing does not have any inkling of “small” or “comfort” to it…I was actually happy to return to Shanghai, and I am now quite satisfied that I chose the right place to study.

But don’t get me wrong- Beijing is also pretty…eh…awesome? Nope. I tried guys- I tried to muster up some enthusiasm, but it is just not flowing. I’ve put off this post for almost a week (update: two weeks now…but I am blaming my VPN issues for the second week part) hoping that I might get struck by lightning and have my brain rewired to feel the utmost joy and love for my trip. Maybe it was how I experienced the city. I’ve never been on a week-long tour where I lacked the choice of sites to visit, length of stay, etc…I am thinking that holds a lot of the reasons for my mundane response. I mean…I most definitely saw a lot. A LOT. And I am super thankful for that.

Okay. Obviously I am trying to make it seem like I am not some spoiled, stuck up brat who is all like “Oh, Beijing? Pssh- unimpressive.” It was impressive, but aaah- I could keep typing forever trying to say the same thing over and over. Here it is, plain and simple: I went on the trip expecting to see the authentic culture and heritage of China, and what I experienced was some fake, ostentatious, and over exploited place that seemed to have lost all the charm and character it once had.

Anywho- Onward to explain what exactly it is that I ended up doing with my life for a week in the capital of China:

Day 1: Fly in, decompress, meet everyone over dinner. Return to hotel room- crash.

This is my first encounter with Beijing-style cuisine. If I had to explain Shanghai-style cuisine to you, I would have a really hard time. Beijing-style is incredibly obvious: sweet and fried. Everything is sugary, deep fried, or both. This is most definitely where the influence for American-style Chinese food came from.

-----Ah, yes...that makes perfect sense.-----

After dinner I returned to my hotel room where the air conditioner was broken. Alas, I would not let this get me down!

Day 2: Tian’an Men Square, The Forbidden City, and the Temple of Heaven

Do not be fooled by the name of the places I visited on this day. Sounds pretty bad-ass, yeah? Well…you be the judge.

Tian’an Men Square

It is a giant concrete square full of people. If it were not famous for its historical (historic? Grammar- you will forever be my enemy!) implications no one would visit it and go straight on to the Forbidden City that is right beside (in front? Behind? Directions- where did you go?!) it. I could not figure out why there were so many Chinese tourists hanging out on the square- that is, until I realized they were there for an entirely different reason. Little did I know that I and three other girls were the main attraction. I have never been so bombarded with photo-demands in my life. Granted, I was not as harassed as the 6-foot tall African-American girl who just flew in the day before. Poor, poor girl. She had not had the chance to slowly be immersed in the awkwardness that is Asian-Foreign photo obsessions.

-----have I mentioned this yet? Many people don’t know, and it is something you should definitely know if you are going to travel in China: If you look different, people will stare. They will take pictures. They will want to touch you. About once a day I will catch someone taking my picture as I walk by, and once a week someone will ask to have their picture taken with me- it happens to every foreigner who is obviously foreign- I have no idea what happens to these photos. I often wonder if every Asian family has their vacation photo album, “And here Tian’an Men Square…there is the government building…that’s the white girl…Over there is…” -----

Back to Tian’an Men! So what turned into an anticipated 20-minute walk across the square ended up being an hour-long battle between USAC study abroaders and the native Chinese. I am sorry to say that I lost. I encountered the most aggressive Chinese tourists I have ever met. One man grabbed my arm and demanded a picture, and when I say “grabbed”, I mean “held on and refused to let go”. After I said no politely and made excuses in Chinese several times, he still insisted. Cue my roommate who barley stands over five feet tall. I have never heard such an annoyed, keep-touching-her-and-you-die “NO” in my life. Finally, we escaped…

-----It is China's 90th year of being Communist...they are kinda super excited about that.-----

The Forbidden City

(Dear world: I just took a three day break on this posting thing…BUT I’M BACK!)

Alright…the Forbidden City…

Honestly, besides the kickass name (sorry for cussing Grandy) this place felt incredibly fake. They repaint most of the buildings yearly, so the site seems to have lost its authenticity. I mean, I get that China is all for appearing ideal in the eyes of others, but some things should simply be preserved, not painted over.

Yet…I have to give the Ming Dynasty some credit: They rock at naming things. Let me lead you all through this gargantuan abode:

1. Enter through the Meridian Gate, and stand in awe as you face the Gate of Supreme Harmony. Flanked on either side of you (far off in the distance) are the East and West Glorious Gates (for real. These are real names). Walky walk walk…Please note to your left the Hall of Military Eminence, and to your right the Hall of Literary Glory. I’d also like to point out that they have a hall dedicated specifically to clocks which I found hilariously awesome. Who in their right mind would think “I wonder what time it is? Well, I might as well go to the HALL OF CLOCKS to find out…”

Anyway….The main attraction is the Hall of Supreme Harmony (guess what? It is just a big hall…) You keep on a-walking and end up smack in front of the Palace of Heavenly Purity. I would have had no idea that any purifying would have occurred here given that it looks IDENTICAL to everything else around it. Ah well, maybe that was the plan- trick the enemy into thinking it was suffering from perpetual déjà vu. But fear not! If you don’t feel like getting pure and all that jazz you can frolic on over to the Hall of Mental Cultivation (a.k.a. brainwashing station). Afterwards you can skip on over to the Palace of Tranquil Longevity (do any of these names start to feel like you have entered into an old-folks home and these are happy words for euthanasia?). Lastly, after a stroll through the Imperial garden you can exit through the Gate of Divine Might.

Yeah…wow China. Wow. Creativity points out the wazoo. The U.S. could learn a few things, I mean…seriously? The White House? Guys…come on. China has the freakin’ FORBIDDEN CITY…white house? Really. Get. With. It.

-----Oh, hi Mao.-----

-----I was criticized for not putting pictures of myself in my blog, so here you are...gotta love that pseudo-smile (recall: this is immediately following the bombardment of Asian photographs) -----

-----Is it just me or does this lion have the same expression that I have above?-----

----- I don't know what this lady was thinking. -----

-----Each building has, on each corner, 9 little guardians. The number "9" is considered to be lucky. -----

The only notable occurrence that happened around the Forbidden City visit was that this strange Asian man appeared out of freakin’ nowhere (seriously, like POOF HI IM HERE). He asked for me to take a picture with him, and I’ve learned by now that complying with these frightening Asian demands is easier than trying to run away. So…SNAP. Picture taken. He runs away (literally, runs.)

La la la, time passes, oh look more of the same thing, la la la, have I been here before? No…oh. Really? La la la, oh look! Freedom beyond that gate! Yay, we are out! Finally!

…then the same man appears again beside me. Seriously- he scared me and I jumped (tricky little man). He pulls out of his wallet a laminated photo, and first shows me the back of it. It says “Wang Peng (not actually his name, but it was in Chinese and I can’t read Chinese names) and his wife”…I am thinking “this dude is crazy, why on earth is he showing me this?” …then he flips the photo over so I can see the actual picture…

Yup. It’s the photo we took together no less than an hour ago.

Dude is a creeper. Oh dear goodness me. Everyone else in the group had a face that perfectly expressed this thought: What. Just. Happened.

…yeah. I have no idea where the little man went after he showed me the picture; he just disappeared again…So…hey, ya’ll! Want to send me some wedding presents? Cool. Thanks.

The Temple of Heaven

Once again, China and those names! The Temple of Heaven was EXACTLY like the Forbidden City except the buildings were round and the area was more desolate. Yeah…I am not going to go into detail about this place. You got your Hall of Prayer for Good Harvests, and then you got your typical Imperial Vault of Heaven. No biggie.

-----Oh, hey. Yup...that's me.-----

By now, my brain is full of fantastical names, my eyes are numb to brilliant colors, and if anyone so help me God tries to take another picture with me I will stab them in the eye with my chopstick.

K. Thanks. Goodnight.

Day Three: The Great Wall of holly-goodness-me and the Ming Tombs

The Great Wall

Dearest People…the Great Wall was insane. You climb at practically a 70 degree incline (no joke, here is a picture I took- see…practically straight up)

-----Looking down. Yay steep things!-----

And every other “step” or so is a GREAT LEAP (yes. Pun intended). Seriously though, it was like, baby step, baby step, la, la, climbing is easy, OH DEAR GOD IS THAT A STEP OR A WALL, let me just use my hands to hoist myself up over this mini-wall-of-doom, oh look- more baby steps…

Yeah…basically, it was incredibly inconsistent but awesome nonetheless. I climbed forever up (I’m climbing a mountain, so what would you expect?) and every so often I would stop and look back down…I noticed after about the 8^th tower stop that I could no longer see “down”. That’s right- the world had actually ceased to exist around me. I felt incredibly at peace with everything, mainly because “everything” consisted of me, the immediate stone surroundings (at this point in time I had yet to become irrationally angry at the stairs) and grey clouds. I noticed after about an hour of climbing that it was really hard to breathe…I think that is when I realized how high up I had actually gone. I continuously tried to capture what I was seeing with my camera, but it was impossible. It was a view only meant for those there in person. I’ll show you what pictures I took, but they are nothing compared to what I experienced.

-----"Heart cerebral disease sufferer ascend the Great Wall to please watch for."-----

Granted, the journey was not all awe-inspiring. I was coated in sweat and my legs were oddly wobbly by the end of the downward trek. After I hit the last step (cue irrational anger at previously mentioned steps), I turned around and looked back towards my conquered feat but I was only able to see at least the 4^th tower…less than half the way up.

Ming Tombs

This will consist of a paragraph- mostly of me whining. Why would people pay to see this?! I get visiting cultural sites, I do. But when those sites were raided during the Cultural Revolution, and NOTHING IS LEFT INSIDE…what is the point in going to see an empty hole?

BUT I went anyway. I ventured downward, deep into the ground, only to be cattle-prodded through empty, dripping corridors (it also kind of grossed me out to realize that the tombs were dripping due to body heat and breath exhalation- that water only evaporates back up to the ceiling, falls down, and does it over and over again…eck). I got to look at three large red boxes (caskets) and a heck of a lot of money thrown on the ground around the caskets. Eventually, you are herded out, and climb the steps back up to civilization.

-----I love being crammed into a tomb with no ability to move! -----

----- Get money, get paid. -----

...Break for Dinner...

Then, an acrobat show!

-----Charming Birds Are Flying Around You-----

The Acrobat show was awesome. Nuf' said.

Thus ends Beijing Post part 1…It is taking forever and a day to load the pictures for this post, so I will wait to post part 2…